How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The BOMB

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The BOMB
(Script of my favourite part of the movie)

INT. WAR ROOM - COMMAND BRIDGE

     Air Force General "BUCK" SCHMUCK is speaking as the scene opens.

     The huge, polished wood table is neatly spread with the remains of
     breakfast.  Eggs and bacon, melon, toast, silver thermos jugs of
     coffee, pastries, and glasses of ice water.

                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             In conclusion, I should like to observe that:
             One, our hopes for recalling the 843rd Bomb
             Wing are next to nothing.  Two, in about
             fifteen minutes the enemy will be making radar
             contacts with our planes.  Three, when they
             do, they will go absolutely Ape, and strike
             back with everything they've got.  Four, if
             prior to this we haven't done anything to
             suppress their retaliatory abilities, we will
             suffer virtual annihilation - in round numbers
             a hundred and fifty million killed.  Five, if
             we immediately launch an all-out missile
             attack on their bases, we stand an excellent
             chance of catching them off guard.  In that
             event, we will destroy the bulk of their
             retaliatory strength, prevail in the struggle,
             and suffer relatively modest and acceptable
             civilian casualties.

     He pauses and confidently looks around the table.  The PRESIDENT
     stares at him inscrutably.

                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             If I may, I'd like to illustrate my conclusion
             with a very brief story.
                 (a squinty-eyed smile)
             I played guard on my high-school football team.
             I wasn't particularly big for the line, and my
             coach once told me something I've never for-
             gotten.  "Schmucko" he said - that was what
             they called me in those days - "Schmucko,
             always remember this.  The harder you hit
             the other fellow, the less you'll get hurt."
                 (confidently checks each game)
             My recommendation is that we follow General
             Ripper's action to its logical end.  In
             other words, to hit the other fellow as hard as
             we can!

     No one says anything.

                       ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE
             What's your estimate of casualties if we
             strike first?

     ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE is a model of the crisp, tough
     Navy man.  His lean, rugged features are lit by an obvious intelligence.

                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Under those circumstances, oh, I'd say for us
             twenty to fifty million, depending on the breaks.
             For the enemy, something on the order of fifty
             million, if we stick to military targets.

                       ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE
             You are very casual about those figures,
             General Schmuck.

                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Not at all, Admiral Buldike.  Naturally, we all
             deeply regret such a sad loss - and let me be
             the first to say, I don't like the idea one bit
             that we'd be clobbering their women and children.
             But quit a few of their bases are very close to
             cities and towns, and to would be unavoidable.

                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Well, gentlemen, do you concur with General
             Schmuck?

     There is a nervous silence.

                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Mister President, regretable as such a choice
             is, there is a quantitative difference between
             fifty and a hundred and fifty million of our
             dead.
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