Impossible abstract

Little do we know about the most inner workings of the human connectome functional-based distributed computations. Over the last three millennia, harvesting existence of data-based comprehensive correlations have populated the set of efficiently revealing paradigms for evolutionary relevant protein mechanisms all the way to the inherent multidimensionality of the macroscopic level description. Still, these mechanisms (they are processes, but let it pass) are poorly understood. Poorly in the sense that more expensive tools are needed to address them. Here, we measure, for the first and unique time in the history of mankind, the motion of an immobile animal at unprecedented precision while recording its whole-brain neural activity (nothing else matters, by the way) with the n-th version of an open source indicator (yet unreleased to the rest of the scientific community) in an eternal prep that allows for optogenetic stimulation of every single sensory neuron (from correlation to causation, and from there to heaven!), while simultaneously controlling the status of the motor output (cause input always comes first, right?) of the animal and that of the entire laboratory members (data not shown). Our incredibly sophisticated technique was applied to deliver a complex stimulus to the animal: either black or white. The null hypothesis was void; a kind of missing presupposition without the will to test anything. We are discoverers of cool stuff, not metaphysical surfers (for Occam’s sake!). In fact, in this article we  present pure evidence only, meaning it is devoid of anything that is not strictly empirical. Data must speak for itself! Numbers and plots have a meaning in themselves without the need of an observer interpretation, no? Rather than understanding something conceptually relevant (who cares, and it is painful), we found that the adaptive corresponding anatomical sites of the integrative regions performing synchronous truncated computations can be reduced to two classes: black and white (like our original naturalistic stimuli). A third class was discarded on the basis that 3D plots are hard to grasp intuitively in a high-impact journal paper (see supplementary material, which is 1000 fold larger than the article itself, for the corresponding control experiments). Last, and unlike any other previous study, we ended our paper by testing our description by means of loss-of-function experiments: if we excise 50 of the black-state neurons, the animal locomotion is severely impaired (we cannot quantify what severely means: our performance index is a natural number between 0 and 1, namely 0 or 1). That should suffice to demonstrate direct correlational horizontal causality, and our broad understanding of the universe (and beyond). Tu sum up (or proudly recap), this work opens a new field few can afford to explore (but that most likely won’t since they are trying to open their own). We thank two anonymous referees (basically John and David) for their useful indulgence and insightful list of extra experiments to do, which took our lab members more than seven months to complete (leading to one divorce, two visits to a psychiatrist, and missing all sunsets since then), bringing no basic new understanding but a supplementary file that now can only be downloaded via dropbox. More (but probable not better) will be published in future closed-access papers, hopefully high-impact (for our families, at least). Thank you for at least reading all the way to the end of the abstract (you can certainly cite our work now), and we are really looking forward to re-tweeting you during a boring talk in an international conference.

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